Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Monday, January 05, 2009

	If you're going to steal electricity from the power company, it's best not to decorate your house with the brightest Christmas lights in the neighborhood	(23)
(ABC27)	If someone pushes a baby carriage out in front of your car, don't stop -- it's probably a robbery attempt	(33)
	University dean hopes to embiggen the English language through Web site aimed at keeping "good" but rarely used words in the public lexicon. How perfectly cromulent of him	(41)
	Females are less physically active than males. Unless there's a sale on shoes	(65)
	Soldier may have been looking for a Cheesburger in Paradise, but Come Monday, he was dead after a bar fight over a Jimmy Buffet song	(47)
	After California police officers accidentally make unarmed man lie face down on the floor and accidentally handcuff him, one of them accidentally draws his gun and accidentally shoots the guy in the back	(429)
	With an average monthly income of $17 Raul Castro says Cubans can now build their own homes with their own money	(39)
	That strawberry yogurt you're eating has a bug in it. No, really. But the FDA doesn't really require that anyone tell you that	(128)
	Hey, four-eyes. A top expert says that teasing at school is a normal part of life and should not be stopped. You got that, brace face?	(78)
	Billy Mays and the other TV pitchmen are cleaning up better than a sheet of ShamWow during these tough economic times. This story is free - all you have to pay is a shipping and processing charge	(359)
(wxiatv.com)	The City of Atlanta is tackling its crack problems by making it illegal "to expose one's undergarments in a public setting."	(94)
	People raised an eyebrow when they heard Casey Anthony didn't report her child missing for over a month. These parents waited 10 years to report their missing 11-year-old. Or maybe 12, they're not really sure. Whatever	(102)
	MySanAntonio reader threatens to cancel subscription after spotting a picture of what he felt was a same-sex couple in newspaper, saying it wanted to make him "puke all over his breakfast table." Newspaper: "It wasn't"	(199)
	For Sale: Lexus. Comes with 5,500 square foot luxury home in Houston	(36)
(kenosha news)	News: Man diagnosed with inoperable brain tumor. Fark: "My only ray of hope right now is a clinical trial with the venom that's found in a giant, yellow scorpion in Israel"	(37)
	Another day, another nation closes its borders to a highly contagious haemorrhagic fever. Nothing to see here, move along	(55)
	Your parent is assassinated. Do you (a) Vow revenge, (b) Call for peace, or (c) put on a foreign accent and release a rap video on YouTube?	(49)
	Britain to start hacking people's PC's, planting keyloggers, looking for porn, lolcats	(137)
	Alright, stop, collaborate and listen. Boston's back with a brand new edition. 34 photos grab hold of you tightly, taken during day and some of them nightly. Ice Ice baby(NSFW pic of naked old man's bum)	(70)
	Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient is Dick Tracy	(72)
	McDnoald's, Bucksstar Coffee and Pizza Huh all open in China's newest knock-off shopping center. It's not news, it's Frak.cn	(189)
	Here's to you, Mr. Proverbial Gansta Pose Car Picture Taker	(221)
(Some Guy)	One in 10 young people feel life is meaningless and they get no pleasure from trespassing on other people's lawns with their pants sagging down to their ankles and listening to that noise they call 'rap music' any more	(135)
	Done with your Christmas tree? Bring it to the local park to be recycled. Tree must be decoration-free. ARTIFICIAL TREES NOT ACCEPTED	(68)
	After US Army lets felons and elderly sign up, it's only logical lardasses would be the next demographic waived in	(195)
	Nitro from "American Gladiators" speaks about life after steroids Bonus: Mention of "Man-Boobs" and "Breast-Chesticles" in first sentence	(117)
	Ace Hardware: Double ended male "adapters" are illegal, dangerous, a fire hazard, and possible [sic] immoral. Wait, what?	(258)
	That'll be $3.47 for the grapes, but no charge for the Black Widow spider	(79)
	Newark bans barbed-wire, much to the dismay of countless young men with cheesy, unoriginal bicep tattoos	(118)
(WJLA)	Women who play with fake babies, taking them to the park, out to eat, hosting birthday parties for them. "It's not a crazy habit ... It's like a hobby."	(244)
(Some Guy)	No more free beer at Busch Gardens. Everyone sad except for Mr. Roller Coaster Vomit Cleaner Guy	(96)
(Fairbanks Daily News-Miner)	Alaska trying to celebrate 50th anniversary of statehood, but it's TOO FRIGGIN COLD	(64)
	Hooters fires waitress who was a victim of domestic abuse, telling her that her bruised body violated company standards for maintaining a "glamorous appearance"	(255)
	The inventor of Hawaiian shirt has died. Jimmy Buffet inconsolable	(84)
	Not only are more people driving drunk, but they're driving twice as drunk as they were before	(72)
(Some Guy)	"'Missing white girl syndrome' continues to be one of the most pernicious expressions of our contemporary media culture"	(161)
	Cows may be sacred in India but they are still not allowed to work as air hostesses on Air India	(83)
	Media once again trots out the repeatedly debunked "divorce lawyers brace for busiest week of the year" story to mark the first week of January	(52)
	FBI spokesperson says coming up with nicknames for bank robbers is one of the more trying parts of the job. In other news, Farkers still looking for recent Spilled-Beer-on-the-Server bandit	(47)
	Council plans to spend £10,000 on "pigeon awareness day", because pooping on everybody's heads doesn't make them aware enough	(38)
	Ever wonder if terrorists could use insects to spread biological weapons? Well, now you are	(124)
	Brand new Terrorist target open for business in Baghdad	(54)
	First Family's cat latest advisor to leave the White House	(138)
	"Virginia is for Lovers" tourism slogan hits middle age and looks like it's been ridden hard and put away wet	(92)
	BBC marketing turns black character into white doll. Uppity daisy	(55)
	One thirds of Londons population has fled to rural areas due to uncontroled immigration. Rural areas now demand immigration controls	(100)
	Sick of being laughed at every time it walks into a bar, escaped horse decides to check out the local cinema instead	(34)
	Not news: Couple decide on African wedding. News: Police stop them at the train station. Fark: The couple are aged 6 and 7	(48)
	Local council declares that 18 inch deep kiddy's paddling pools need fully trained lifeguards patrolling them. Can you guess where?	(155)
(Irish Times)	China begins campaign to rid internet of pornography, currently delayed by problem of getting tanks into the tubes	(103)
	"Attention air traffic control, this is Delta. We have a drunk and unruly passenger on board. Requesting assistance." "Roger Delta. This is air traffic control. Uh, divert to Canada. Over and out."	(67)
	Former Grand View Motel proposes coffee served topless. Yep that's a grand view	(79)
	Premium tuna fetches $100,000 in Tokyo auction. To those who didn't win the auction -- sorry, Charlie	(49)
	Recession causes sagging business for breast-enhancement surgeons, resulting in drooping profits; docs fear a complete bust soon. Boobies	(100)
	Early converters of that cotton pickin' converter box thingy be learnin' that them there diggity pictures look pretty darn good. "I thought the wavy lines was 'cause of my drinkin, but naw. It's all real clear now."	(142)
	TSA workers report rashes from uniforms; doctors recommend applying 3.5 ounces or less of lotion to the affected area	(44)
	The ranks of homeschoolers have risen by 74 percent since 1999. You would have submitted this with a better headline, but your mom won't let you have a computer because it's a tool of the devil. Now wash your hands	(262)
	Researchers discover that married couples actually feel happier when their kids have finally packed up and stopped draining all of their resources. Who would have thought it?	(93)
	Not news: Couple gets married. Fark: 60 times	(23)
	Canadian city coping poorly with snow -- and it's the one every real Canadian suspected	(112)
	Plans to grant Christians free parking in a town could be blocked because councillors fear causing offence to other religions	(75)
	Photoshop this savvy shopper	(44)
	Nanny State bans artificial flowers on graves for "health and safety" reasons, presumably in case anyone is just mostly dead	(44)
	England's last remaining master cooper is really scraping the bottom of the barrel to find new trainees	(47)
	Why does water melt the Wicked Witch, but not Dorothy? Prof's research will answer this and other pressing Oz questions	(123)
	In a totally shocking discovery, The Daily Mail finds that drinks containing fruits sprayed with pesticide contain more pesticide than filtered water	(31)
(WCTV)	Convenience store robbed. Police arrest suspect who was at the end of a trail of popcorn which began at the robbed store	(30)
	How the Scallywags planned to beat the Nazis, once they'd finished scrapping with the Hooligans in Shaftesbury	(41)
	British families with children being bribed by the government to divorce	(52)
(Pothead Focker)	Not the best idea to drive the wrong way down a one-way street with 18 grand worth of weed	(41)
	City Council bans potentially offensive street names like Hoare Road and Cracknuts Lane	(53)
	Live in Britain? That's a stabbin'	(136)
	Drinkers in the Queen's Head pub dressed in costumes race across the river in subfreezing weather, drink a barrel of beer, race back to get hosed down by the landlady. Those Brits really know how to have fun	(22)
(Some Shoe Guy)	Photoshop this shoe shine stand	(33)
	Economy is so bad there is now an acorn shortage; damn squirrels can't even live in this country	(68)
	Stonehenge was built as a dance club for prehistoric raves. Party like it's 1999 BC	(100)
	Nanny State now forcing shoppers to prove they are at least 18 years old in order to buy cheese (pic, gratituous use of word 'gobsmacked')	(155)
	Man who could barely walk five years ago set to run 110 miles without stopping, buy shrimp boat	(46)

Sunday, January 04, 2009

(Some Guy)	Train takes off from station with doors still open. Which wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't 100 feet off the ground	(87)
	Woman falls 100 feet from her window into a vat of grapes. She's alive but, frankly, the wine is a little corked	(53)
	Scientists say that that "ZOMG I can't breathe when I'm with you I love you soooo much" feeling CAN last a lifetime. But only in about 10% of the population. The rest of us are doomed to die alone with our cats	(465)
(Some Guy)	South Dakota Supreme Court rules that farking cops are a bunch of shiatheads for arresting man that told them to fark off. fark	(154)
	Politicians want to find 998... 999... 1000 "great places" in Massachusetts. Ah, ah, ah	(171)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these ten stories	(77)
(The Telegram)	Threatening an officer with a 2x4 is not very constructive in building a good relationship with police	(50)
	Sheriff of Pinal County stops radar cameras: "I've never yet seen a photo-radar camera arrest a drunk driver or arrest a person with a warrant, ... or to just simply give directions to somebody,"	(199)
(Psychology Today)	Looks like the average American would make an ass out of him or herself in just under 8 minutes in Finland	(269)
	Chris Hanson in need of a new schtick as appeals court rules crimes need an actual "victim"	(235)
(RTE)	Pilots want handheld lasers to be classified as weapons	(141)
	Residents are furious that the town won't pave their steep, dangerous dirt road. Their PRIVATE, steep, dangerous dirt road	(142)
	Bill Richardson's stint as Secretary of Commerce is about as successful as his presidency	(211)
	Illinois state workers to take seminar on ethics. Yes Illinois workers. And yes, representatives from the Governor's office will be speaking	(49)
	Washington's Metro subway system will close many of its public parking lots adjacent to stations on Inauguration Day to better serve the public	(107)
(Carlos Miller)	Amtrak police arrest photographer for taking pictures of Amtrak trains. Fark: as part of Amtrak annual contest for photos of Amtrak trains. Amtrak	(219)
	Ugly-ass baby panda debuts at Zoo Atlanta. With lots of ugly-ass pics	(30)
(PennLive)	Pennsylvania pet store, which remained open even after its owner put a kitten in the freezer and then beat it to death against the side of a dumpster, again faces cruelty charges. PETA too busy protesting milk to get involved	(195)
	Six bizarre real world versions of fictional monsters. Protip: Being pale and bored does not make you a vampire	(79)
(Some Lottery Winner)	He won the lottery, and died the next day	(125)
	"Duck season." "Rabbit season." "Duck season." "Rabbit season." "Hunter season." BANG	(44)